finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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