maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
