i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
