These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
