i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
