New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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