I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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