I'm really into asian looking animals
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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