no, he came in my armpit
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
