I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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