I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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