the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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