Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
