I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
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