I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
