You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
a search helicopter?!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
