fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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