she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
