im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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