I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
