Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
