so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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