There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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