I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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