Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
