Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's just like the Real World with babies
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
