My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So much Jack, so little girl.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
