i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
