I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
