ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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