Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
