You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sorry about my life...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
