tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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