Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
