he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
