I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
