I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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