Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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