she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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