Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
