I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
