I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
