if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
