dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
