Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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