@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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