I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
