Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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