remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
