im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
